sunburned | (no subject)

I might sleep better when I sleep here, but I don't always sleep well. It's the same old nightmare, a litre of kerosene poured down my throat, a cigarette held to my lips. Marie, at the guillotine, so close I can feel her blood on my face, yet I can still hear her whistling "Scotland the Brave."

I hear the door, and in my dream it's von Linden. I want to die on my feet, a Wallace and a Stuart to the end, even if it's only the blanket I'm struggling with now.

He's spent enough nights in bed with her to recognise a nightmare when he sees one and he's on the bed as quickly as he can manage, reaching out for her, his hand grazing her shoulder.

"Julie," he says, quietly. "Julie, love."

"Kiss me, Hardy!" I say, because those are the magic words that end it, aren't they?

I am slow to wake, though I know John's voice means I am safe.

"Is her blood still on my face?" I ask, not realizing that what I'm feeling is only my own tears.

"Oh, love," he says, tugging her in against his chest, thumb grazing against her tears. "No blood. I promise you."

"No blood," I murmur, convincing myself. My heart is racing, as if I'm some small frightened animal, narrowly escaping some shadowy doom I don't quite understand, except for the terror. I know that all too well.

"God," I say, hating how my voice trembles along with the rest of me. "Won't they ever get out of my head?"

"It's understandable," he murmurs, because, Hell, he was only there for a few days and he dreams about it sometimes, too. He bends his head, kissing the corner of her mouth.

"It's alright, love." He thinks about it for a moment. "I should get Will."

More than anything, he trusts that the three of them can get through whatever they need.

As soon as he says it, I know that there is nothing in the world that I want so much as to feel their two solid sets of arms around me. Two hearts beating against mine, fighting against the dark.

And yet I don't want to admit to such a cowardly impulse, even to John.

"If you think he's still awake," I say, the lingering tremor in my voice certainly giving me away.

"I don't give a god damn if he's still awake, love," he says, kissing her again before he pushes up off the bed. "He'll get up for me."

He leaves her room with purpose, crossing the room and opening their bedroom door without knocking.

Laurence was, indeed, in a state of sleep, yet, not long after Granby's entering the room some sailor's sense of urgency prompted him into waking. He took in the other man's state quickly, already alert and rising from his bed. "What is it? Has something happened, John?"

"It's Julie," says Granby, emotion clear on his face as he hovers in the doorway, arms folded across his chest. "I know it's the middle of the night and it isn't...proper, Will, but...will you come?"

From the moment that Granby said Julie's name, there was no hesitation. Laurence was up and dressing himself immediately without waiting for further information. "Of course. Is she all right?"

"Will, there is absolutely no call to be fully dressed in your own house in the middle of the night with the two of us," he says, tone short as he turns back towards the door. "Same dream as always, I assume. It's the flame that frightens her."

Granby's admonition did little to stop Laurence, who still insisted upon at least clothing himself to the point of decency before he would leave the room. "I do wish there was more that might be done to assist her at these times."

In the main room, Granby stopped, pulling Laurence's body in close against him, pressing a kiss against his mouth.

"Both of us together helps, I think," he says. "It's enough."

Circumstances being what they were, Laurence did not respond as fully to the gesture as he might have on another occasion. Instead he smiled briefly and continued walking. "I trust it shall be enough this night."

I am huddled up against the headboard with the blanket pulled up over my head. It doesn't really help me feel any better now than it did back in my freezing cell in the Chateau de Bordeaux, but just like then it is better than nothing.

I know I'm not as alone as I feel here, but it still feels like an eternity since John left me. I wish I hadn't let him go.

It's warm, but I still shiver. Knowing that I am being ridiculous doesn't stop anything.

Glancing at Laurence as he does it, Granby kneels on the bed before he settles down along side her, reaching out to touch the shape of her shoulder.

"It's okay, love. We're here."

"We are indeed," Laurence added, standing by. He was closer than was entirely polite under normal circumstances, but only just. "Please do not fear, Julie."

"I'm all right now." That s a lie, which I don't like to tell them, so I take it back immediately. "I will be all right now."

I poke my head out from under the blanket, feeling very silly but not nearly as silly as I would be with anyone else.

"I'm not cold, but I can't get warm." Nothing about me makes any sense at all, sometimes, I know, but I hope they understand me.

Granby wraps one arm around her and pulls her in closer against him, resting her chin against his shoulder. "It's okay, love. We're going to stay right here. Aren't we, Will?"

He arches an eyebrow, giving Laurence a long look where Julie can't see him.

"Of course." Laurence sat down on the bed gently, not dignifying Granby's look with a response of his own. The three of them all must have known that both he and Granby would not leave under any conditions. "We shall both remain for as long as you may require."

"I'm not a child that you need to coddle," I say, with some humor. I am started to feel a little bit more myself, just from having them near, reminding me who I am now. I don't move, however, from John's embrace, and when Will is close enough, I reach out and take his hand, and give him a little smile that is only between the two of us, so he might remember that there is nobody here who requires any sort of formality.

"No," he says, nose brushing against her cheek. "You're not." His fingers stroke against her arm. "I know exactly who you are, love."

Being there, in the middle of the night, in Julie's room just reminds him of what the three of them were trying to be. He finds himself watching Laurence, quietly.

Laurence failed to notice any interest from Granby. Instead he was entirely focused on Julie. The smile that she gave was returned and he squeezed her hand gently. "I promise, neither of us intend to coddle."

"Good." I can feel my panic lessening by the second. "What do you intend to do instead?"

I might have a head full of improper thoughts of my own, vague as they might still be, but I am very interested in how they might answer. As long as they don't stop touching me, reminding me how safe I am, I wouldn't complain about a thing.

And there's the question, isn't it? What do they intend to do? As ever, it's Laurence that's the variable - John knows exactly what's in his heart.

"Well," he says, carefully. "I intend to be right here. And to perhaps get Laurence to at least lie down, as is fitting of both hour and location. And given company."

Despite the inevitable flush that crept over his face, thankfully near invisible in the low light of the room, Laurence remained largely composed. "Perhaps I may, if the situation merits such a course of action."

"All my fuss woke you up, didn't it?" I don't need to see his face to know that he's blushing; I do find him so endearingly predictable. "I am sorry for that, but glad you're here now. Which I suppose means I'm not really sorry at all."

I continue to smile at him, and brush my thumb along his. I remember half-joking to John that I might try harder to seduce him, but I don't think that's what I'm doing now at all. I just like having both of them close, whatever form that might take or where it might lead.

"Good lord, woman," says Granby, good natured and smirking. "He's an Aviator and before that he was in the bloody Navy. He's good at being up at all hours."

He grins broader. "Isn't that right, Laurence?"

Laurence's blush thankfully did not deepen, and he endeavored to remain as undisturbed by both conversation and situation as possible. In response to Granby's question, he nodded and spoke, both rather stiffly. "If circumstances merit it I have no misgivings about my being awake at advanced hours."

"You have to sleep, though." I don't mention how being forced to remain awake and upright for days might have been the worst thing that was done to me. "Or at least relax. Come here, Will." I tug him gently toward me by the hand.

And this is a step that he can have no point in - Laurence knows what he thinks, what he wants because it's a conversation that they've had in private.

For now, though, he just waits.

Laurence allowed Julie to pull him towards her, but only to a certain extent. As soon as it began edging towards the bounds of propriety he stopped. He felt quite strongly about Julie, but with Granby there as well he was almost visibly uncertain. "I am quite relaxed."

"You're not fooling either of us, you know," says Granby, softly. "It's alright, Will. Really, it is."

Will might be hesitant to come closer, but I am not. I close the distance between us, and smile as I touch his cheek.

"I did promise to let you start it, the next time we might kiss, and so I won't do it myself. But I wish you would."

Edited 2013-04-15 14:08 (UTC)

Laurence nodded heavily, his eyes closed as he bent his head slightly towards the touch of her hand. The whole affair seemed to have an air of inevitability, no matter how possibly pleasant it might be. "I know it. I know you must be rightly disappointed in me as well, yet--"

For a brief moment his eyes sought Granby's face.

He can't imagine what a look like that might represent, whether Laurence is asking for permission or forgiveness. Both. Neither. The corner of his mouth lifts in a smile and he reaches out to touch Laurence's arm gently.

"Whatever you wish, Will. I'mc ertainly not disappointed in you, no matter when you do. I never have been, and you know it."

"Don't be silly, Will. If I thought you didn't want to kiss me, I wouldn't even bring it up. But I think you do, and so you should."

Of course the three of us are in this equally together, but just for a minute, I pretend that it's only the two of us here. The words are harder to find than they were with John, because I was so sure he already knew the truth of them without my having to say them.

"I love you," I say softly, leaning close with my hand still light against his cheek.

Laurence looked down for a long moment as he gathered his thoughts together into a presentable order. "I would not want that love to be unfounded or unrequited, Julie. I believe I feel the same way about you." He paused and sighed, resisting the urge to glance once more at Granby. "However, having this level of affection for two at once is strange to me. I do not wish to misstep."

"If we're to wait until we know what we're doing, we'll be sitting here until the end of time," I say ruefully. "We might be blazing a trail here, but nobody except us has to follow it. And if the road gets bumpy, we can find another way. And if you want me to stop this nonsensical metaphor, you're going to have to find something else to occupy my mouth."

I don't dare look at John either; if he laughs at me, we are all lost.

"I am not in the habit of kissing ladies so freely. However--" Laurence leaned forward to press an almost chaste kiss to her lips before pulling away quickly. Despite the brief duration of the gesture he still could not look at Granby. "If you wish it I will do my utmost to accommodate you."

I do not comment on his definition of "freely", when I have practically been begging him to kiss me. It might be undignified, but I think he is worth it and I don't care in the least.

"I absolutely do wish it," I say solemnly, and lean forward to kiss him again, must less chastely than I think he would do on his own, but I think it might be time for all of us to just jump into the thing wholly, and see where it takes us.

For a moment, more than a moment, Granby can't keep a clear thought in his head other than the two of them. He tries not to stare, he really does, but it's surreal seeing something that he's thought about, more than once.

Laurence endeavored to respond to Julie's kiss in a way that she would find favorable, however the knowledge that Granby sat close by never left his mind for an instant, and the gesture likely suffered for it. The notion that he was being observed by anyone, even a friend as intimate as John Granby, was still a rather uncomfortable one.

It is, obviously and unsurprisingly, a somewhat awkward kiss, but I can feel the potential in it even so. We're both just so awfully tense, and it really is disconcerting to be so close to one man while kissing another. I give Will a smile, both for encouragement and to indicate that I'm far from unhappy with the experience even if we're both a little bit lost here.

And then I turn my head to look at John. I will never in a million years admit that I haven't the first clue how this is supposed to work, in actual practice, any more than Laurence does, but I do trust that he knows us both well enough to provide some kind of direction, if he can, toward the shape of what we're trying to become. At the very least, I hope he has some idea of where he ought to fit here as well.

He lets out a long, shivering breath. He can't take his eyes off the two of them, close as they are. He blinks. Keeping his arm around Julie's waist, he reaches out and squeezes Laurence's arm.

"I think we'd do well to try and forget propriety for a little while, just between the three of us," he says, surprised by how rough his voice sounds. "Because Jesus, I do love the two of you so much."