sunburned | (no subject)

Even though John doesn't live far away at all and home is perfectly nice with just Maddie and me, I rather miss having him around. Today, however, I suppose that it's probably just as well that he's littering all over his own porch instead of mine and looking all manner of out of sorts.

I pick up one of his discarded drawings and smooth out the crumpled paper to see what it is.

"Why are you throwing this out? It's lovely."

"Is it?" he says, irritably, flipping through the pages of his sketchbook. "Looks just the same as all the others to me."

His cheeks flush and he bends his head apologetically.

"Sorry," he says. "That was unnecessary."

"I haven't seen all the others, so I can't really judge, can I?" I pick up a few more sheets of paper that he's deemed trash on my way to the other chair. I don't have much of a critical eye, but I would say he's being too hard on himself if the subject was anything else.

"I see why you're in such a state. This one is dreadful." I don't really think so, as it's much better than anything I could manage, but he seems determined to be in a bad mood and I can play along.

That's enough to make him laugh. I've shakes his head at himself, rolling his eyes.

"I'm sorry, truly," he says, dropping his pencil in his lap to hold up his hand in surrender. "things are rather...trying. As late."

"It can be difficult to go back to a normal life when one has grown accustomed to living with mad girls," I say, as though of course his problem must be that he is missing sharing a house with Maddie and me. "But I'm here to help you manage."

I mean that part sincerely, whatever it is that's truly bothering him.

Living with mad girls is nothing compared to living with aviators and dragons but Granby is not about to bring that up. He smiles.

"Just sit still and I'll draw you," he says. "That should be simple enough for both of us."

I fold the pages I rescued from the ground neatly, just in case he might want them back, and curl up in the chair with my chin on my knees, straightening my skirt down over my legs as I settle myself comfortably. I find it more than a small honor that he likes to draw me, but that isn't something I would say to him out loud.

"Certainly easier now that I'm somewhat less of a wreck than I was the first time you did. Not nearly so much of a challenge to make me look half decent."

"Never a challenge to mak you look half decent," he sys, settling himself and picking up his pencil again. "Anyway, it's a pleasure to draw you after spending so much time on Laurence. A complete change, as it were.". He smiles. "I find myself somewhat preoccupied of late."

"if you're only trying for half, of course it's easy," I tease, more than happy to give him this distraction, even if I don't understand the entirety of what he's going through. I love Maddie beyond words, but it's completely different to being in love, regardless of any similarities.

"I once said that finding your best friend was like being in love. I never thought about it becoming more complicated than that."

There's a part of him that feels like he shouldn't be talking about this at all, but then there's virtually nobody that he trusts better than her. And, honestly, he'd probably talk to Iskierka about it, if she was here.

"I've known how I felt about him for years," he admits. "It was easier when there was no chance of it going anywhere."

I'm not sure why he trusts me with his secrets and his feelings, when he knows how horribly I can use such things against people. Maybe because I've already done that to him and we came out closer on the other side of it. I do know that I take his trust very seriously and would do anything not to break it again.

"Easier, maybe, but was it better?" I am honestly curious. "At least now you don't have to waste time on... What? Pointless yearning? Not that you just sat around pining." I know him better than that.

"Better." He turns that over in his head for a moment, mulling on it before he shrugs. "I honestly don't know. I never expected to have him. And now I do and...there's very little to be done about it, it seems."

"You have him, but you don't?" I'm not entirely certain I completely understand the situation as he's laying it out here. "I'd hoped you'd at least be happier."